• Stephi Wagner

If Scary Mommy Wrote as Scarily About Women as They Do About Kids

Updated: Jan 31, 2019



If you want to write for Scary Mommy, one thing is for certain: hate children, and hate them well.


So what's a writer to do when they want to get their work published in this great abyss of hatred for children that is Scary Mommy? Learn from the greats who came before you, of course!


Without further adieu, here's a list of 5 shining examples that made the Scary Mommy cut.


Special note: Competition for Scary Mommy is FIERCE. Writers with slightly less hatred for children are encouraged to submit their writing to Sexist Husband, their sister publication, instead. And no worries. I've got you covered with examples for that here, too.


Happy writing!


P.S. I saved the best tip for last. If you have writer's block, be sure to skip ahead to #5.



1. Use "Fascist" & "Fucking" as Cutesy Adjectives When Describing Young Children


In The Terrible Twos Got Nothing on the F*cking Fours, we learn that Scary Mommy is looking for especially talented writers who can eloquently equate young children with Hitler and artfully describe pretty much everything about them using the word fucking.

"This has happened to me, and it will happen to you when your darling baby skips all too quickly from a sassy but cuddly threenager to a 4-year-old. I’ve heard them called “The Fascist Fours,” but I’ve always preferred the down-and-dirty, whispered mommy nomenclature: “The Fucking Fours.” Because they are fucking loud, fucking annoying, fucking scream-y and fucking tantrum-y."

Not sure you can make the cut for Scary Mommy? Consider emulating something along these lines for Sexist Husband instead:


"This has happened to me, and it will happen to you when your darling woman skips all too quickly from a hysterical but subservient thirtythreenager to a 34-year-old. I’ve heard them called “The Fascist Thirty-Fours,” but I’ve always preferred the down-and-dirty, whispered husband nomenclature: “The Fucking Thirty-Fours.” Because 34-year-women are fucking loud, fucking annoying, fucking scream-y and fucking tantrum-y."


2. Equate Children with Household Objects and Mental Illness Because Childism and Ableism are Definitely Hot Right Now


Scary Mommy knows it's so pre-patriarchy to recognize the full humanity of children. In 4-Year-Olds DGAF, And Here’s Why we can see exactly why this brilliant article was chosen: 1) Children as objects? Check! 2) Children causing mental illness? Check! 3) Children as feces? Check!

“All four-year-olds should come with an instruction manual and a therapist for their mother. And don’t come at me with, “that’s just bad parenting.” Because no, Brenda, it’s not. If your four-year-old doesn’t act like this, you’re just a lucky asshole with an easy child. (Who I hope grows into a shit teenager, so you’re forced to eat all your judge-y words.)”

Not sure you can make the cut for Scary Mommy? Consider emulating something along these lines for Sexist Husband instead:


“All wives should come with an instruction manual and a fridge full of endless beer for their husbands. And don’t come at me with, “that’s just toxic masculinity.” Because no, Timmy, it’s not. If your wife doesn’t act like this, you’re just a lucky asshole with an easy woman. (Who I hope grows into a nasty bitch, so you’re forced to eat all your feminist cancer.)“

3. Use Wild Animals to Make Your Trendy Case for Just How Subhuman Children Are


By examining the literary brilliance of 14 Reasons Bath Time is a Sh*t Show, we discover that Scary Mommy has a real soft spot for content that depicts children as unreasonable wild animals, all the while normalizing the idea that it is wildly reasonable to shove them places without their consent.

"Imagine three wild cats dressed in adorable outfits, all of varying ages, wandering your house, and your job is to catch them all, by yourself, and get them in the tub, with all the screaming, and biting, and scratching. That’s it. That’s the metaphor. That’s what it’s like getting children into the bathtub."

Not sure you can make the cut for Scary Mommy? Consider emulating something along these lines for Sexist Husband instead:


"Imagine three wild cats dressed in sexy outfits, all of varying fuckability, wandering your house, and your job is to catch them all, by yourself, and get them in the bed with you, with all the screaming, and biting, and scratching. That’s it. That’s the metaphor. That’s what it’s like getting women into bed."

4. Recall that Children are Dictators Using their Worldly Power to Wreak Evil Havoc


In The F*cking Fours are F*cking Brutal we learn that Scary Mommy prioritizes writers who can skillfully describe children as "f*cking" not just once but twice in the very same sentence. In addition to this, notice that priority is given to writers who can effectively demonize children.


"[4-year-olds have] picked up shitty behavior from other kids and learned that tantrums can work when you’re weak and exhausted (so basically always) and they use those powers for evil."

Not sure you can make the cut for Scary Mommy? Consider emulating something along these lines for Sexist Husband instead:


"Wives have picked up shitty behavior from other wives and learned that hysterics can work when [their husbands are] horny and tired (so basically always) and they use those powers for evil."

5. Dance Around with Your Words to Convince Both Yourself and Other Adults that Hitting Kids is Not Actually Hitting Kids


I Believe in Spanking is a work of sheer genius! Parents who choose to hit their children need a way to distance themselves from the guilt that comes from this choice of theirs to hit their minor children. Here's where you come in: Give them a way to evade that guilt! More kids being hit by their parents, more clicks for Scary Mommy, more exposure for you! I call that a Triple-Win!


"All my carefully crafted belief systems about raising children using love and logic and choices evaporated in a puff of smoke. I calmly turned that child over, slid his pants down, and gave him a solid whap right on his round little bum. I didn’t argue, or plead, or negotiate, or use complicated words. I spanked him and said, “You will not slap mommy. That is disrespectful. I am in charge, and you are not. This is not a choice." He cried. Big fat tears. He was SHOCKED and scared. I was too. We snuggled for a minute. I told him I loved him. He got over it in about two minutes. I didn’t break his spirit, and he continues to be a strong-willed child. But he is a respectful strong-willed child who thinks twice before he acts and makes better choices. I no longer believe that parents who spank are child abusers."

Not sure you can make the cut for Scary Mommy? Consider emulating something along these lines for Sexist Husband instead:

"All my carefully crafted belief systems about treating wives with love and logic and choices evaporated in a puff of smoke. I calmly turned that woman over, slid her pants down, and gave her a solid whap right on her round little bum. I didn’t argue, or plead, or negotiate, or use complicated words. I hit her and said, “You will not forget to do the laundry. That is disrespectful. I am in charge, and you are not. This is not a choice." She cried. Big fat tears. She was SHOCKED and scared. I was too. We snuggled for a minute. I told her I loved her. She got over it in about two minutes. I didn’t break her spirit, and she continues to be a strong-willed wife. But she is a respectful strong-willed wife who thinks twice before she acts and makes better choices. I no longer believe that husbands who hit are wife beaters."

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